kisses

the snack or concession stand. she and i sat on a slab that was a bench. i talked, about reels, about ratios, about timing and aperture. she kissed me. it was so sweet and wrong i kissed her back, then regretted it while loving it.

he still loved her, though they were no longer married. he and i had been in the army together. she and i had been in school together. three of us and another woman came into the mountains two mornings ago. last night i was lost in the mountains and today i was back.

he saw us kissing. we dissembled. he had no control over what she said or did, but of course he was angry.

now i know why on the first night you didn't want to share a room with me, he said. it was casual, jovial, accusatory.

the two of us had planned to sleep in the decrepit castle's room, but later i decided to sleep in the wooden shed in the courtyard, to be alone and psuedo-poetic. i had not known i would get lost the next night and sleep in the open. i regret now not talking to him that night.

i realised now that she and i had also kissed earlier, once, electrically, before i had gone for a walk and gotten so very lost. it had made me excited and breathless.

we all forced a look of casualness. no, i said, that was not why - i had just wanted to be alone, that was all.

it had not started yet, i might have said. you are wrong, i might have said. but would you believe me?